Anyone home?
Brittney-gate
I am embarrassed that I have been following the most recent exploits of America's favorite trainwreck, Brittney Spears. I'm referring of course to her tragic performance at the MTV Video Music Awards and the subsequent backlash. I am summarizing the events as I have learned them and compiling a report for the time capsule.
So, first the performance:
Embarrassing.
Her act was then followed by the host, Sarah Silverman, giving the opening monologue. She piled on Britney beautifully. It was just like when she roasted Paris.
Ouch. But just maybe that will help Britney. A rumor that Britney saw Sarah practice her monologue before she went on to perform her song. Knowing that she was going to be a punchline in a little while, she was distracted.
Send in the clowns.
"She's a human!"
Anyway, Chris Crocker is now enjoying his 15 minutes of fame.
Jimmy Kimmel recently talked about him.
And then he appeared on the Jimmy Kimmel show to talk about Britney, his video and Sarah Silverman. In case you didn't know, Sarah Silverman happens to date Jimmy Kimmel.
I feel so superior to so many things right now.
So, first the performance:
Embarrassing.
Her act was then followed by the host, Sarah Silverman, giving the opening monologue. She piled on Britney beautifully. It was just like when she roasted Paris.
Ouch. But just maybe that will help Britney. A rumor that Britney saw Sarah practice her monologue before she went on to perform her song. Knowing that she was going to be a punchline in a little while, she was distracted.
Send in the clowns.
"She's a human!"
Anyway, Chris Crocker is now enjoying his 15 minutes of fame.
Jimmy Kimmel recently talked about him.
And then he appeared on the Jimmy Kimmel show to talk about Britney, his video and Sarah Silverman. In case you didn't know, Sarah Silverman happens to date Jimmy Kimmel.
I feel so superior to so many things right now.
Buff Bitch
http://actionnooz.com/ethics/meet-wendy-the-bully-whippet-superdog-double-muscle/
"Wendy has a muscular mutation that results in extremely bulked muscles. This condition is known as myostatin related muscle hypertrophy, or more simply, double-muscle.
Through a two base-pair deletion in the whippet myostatin gene (MSTN), and a subsequent rejection of myostatin by muscle cells, Wendy has very fast muscle growth and repair, at levels where she has quickly grown up to hulking proportions.
The increased muscle mass, along with metabolism and extremely low levels of body fats, can translate to impressive super-feats, including marked increases in speed, agility and power.
As documented by quantitative assay, whippets with this mutation seem to be consistently superior in racing events to their “wild-type” counterparts.
As you may already be thinking, a dog with genetically documented and known super-speed? Clearly this does and will raise major ethical concern in terms of dog breeding, as it may also within humans as we continue to learn and master the workings of our own genome.
Double muscle is still a condition under recent scientific scrutiny and testing, only having been adequately surveyed in humans since the year 2000."
Shift Happens
A nice little assemblage of facts (well, there are no sources but they seem probably true) in movie form.
Disney Boobs
I don't have any idea what is going on here. This is an odd way for a mother and daughter to bond.
Fence Plowing
Thanks to Fox and Friends, we can witness the birth of a new red neck sport:
Fence Plowing
With any luck, this will naturally select a few dumb-asses right off the planet. Check out the almost impalement of the second ‘sportsman’.
Fence Plowing
With any luck, this will naturally select a few dumb-asses right off the planet. Check out the almost impalement of the second ‘sportsman’.
The Sopranos on MadTV
I love the Sopranos. I've seen every episode. This is one I missed.
MadTV is genius.
MadTV is genius.
Honest Wife
The police officer pulls over a speeding car.
The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.."
The driver says , "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Damn it, woman, can't you keep your big mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "GODDAMN, WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT YOUR FAT MOUTH?"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
"Only when he's drunk"
The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.."
The driver says , "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Damn it, woman, can't you keep your big mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "GODDAMN, WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT YOUR FAT MOUTH?"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
"Only when he's drunk"
.50 caliber hand gun
This isn't an argument for gun control so much as it is an argument for dumb ass control.
Uh, hey genius. That's a pretty big bullet and it is gonna have a little kick.
I fired one of these once, but I did it with both hands in proper position and my father pushing on my shoulder from behind for extra support.
Uh, hey genius. That's a pretty big bullet and it is gonna have a little kick.
I fired one of these once, but I did it with both hands in proper position and my father pushing on my shoulder from behind for extra support.
Red Bull BC One
Well, these guys are pretty good. I mean, I did notice some "biters". A few of these guys were blatantly ripping-off my style and flow which I developed some twenty years ago on the hard rockin streets of Kankakee. They dance like they know the Kanka-to-the-Kee. They move like they got the K3 soul. But until they straight rock the Kank old school, they wack.
Studio 69 on Van Nuys Boulevard
Mad TV is truely a great comedy show. The made a great spoof of my favorite show: Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip.
Tip your dealer
I just got back from Las Vegas and I did well!
I won $900 yesterday which is less impressive when you consider the initial investment of $500. However, I lost almost everything on Saturday and then made it all back and then some on Sunday.
I could claim that talent was steering the ship. I think I actually made that claim after about 30 gin and tonics. I could claim that hitting on 18 with a 6 bust card was just the kind of chutzpah that would win the day. No. My dealers cheated for me repeatedly.
The dealers at the Palms Casino have a little mirror on their tables so they can check the status of their cards. They can see if their down card is a 10, a face card or an ace so that if they have blackjack, they can end the hand.
Thank you Jackie for not letting me stand on eighteen because you knew you had twenty. Thank you Andie for developing a loss of hearing when I asked for a hit that would have busted me. Thank you to Mia for splitting my cards and doubling down without my concent and always winning my drunk ass money. The tips, like the drinks, will keep on coming.
Oh, and Richard. You took all my money on Saturday. You laughed at none of my jokes. Your contempt for the entire table out shinned the blinking neon over head. Despite looking like Chris Elliot, you took all the fun out of blackjack. No tip for you cabin boy.
I won $900 yesterday which is less impressive when you consider the initial investment of $500. However, I lost almost everything on Saturday and then made it all back and then some on Sunday.
I could claim that talent was steering the ship. I think I actually made that claim after about 30 gin and tonics. I could claim that hitting on 18 with a 6 bust card was just the kind of chutzpah that would win the day. No. My dealers cheated for me repeatedly.
The dealers at the Palms Casino have a little mirror on their tables so they can check the status of their cards. They can see if their down card is a 10, a face card or an ace so that if they have blackjack, they can end the hand.
Thank you Jackie for not letting me stand on eighteen because you knew you had twenty. Thank you Andie for developing a loss of hearing when I asked for a hit that would have busted me. Thank you to Mia for splitting my cards and doubling down without my concent and always winning my drunk ass money. The tips, like the drinks, will keep on coming.
Oh, and Richard. You took all my money on Saturday. You laughed at none of my jokes. Your contempt for the entire table out shinned the blinking neon over head. Despite looking like Chris Elliot, you took all the fun out of blackjack. No tip for you cabin boy.
Oh, Iggy
"Nihilism is best done by professionals." - Iggy Pop
"What did Christ really do? He hung out with hard-drinking fishermen." - Iggy Pop
"I never believed that U2 wanted to save the whales. I don't believe that The Beastie Boys are ready to lay it down for Tibet." - Iggy Pop
"Look, you're here to see me, and I can't go on until my dealer is here, and he's waiting to be paid, so give me some money so I can fix up, and then you'll get your show." - Iggy Pop
"What did Christ really do? He hung out with hard-drinking fishermen." - Iggy Pop
"I never believed that U2 wanted to save the whales. I don't believe that The Beastie Boys are ready to lay it down for Tibet." - Iggy Pop
"Look, you're here to see me, and I can't go on until my dealer is here, and he's waiting to be paid, so give me some money so I can fix up, and then you'll get your show." - Iggy Pop
The Fat Ass is Back!
This time we are doing it right.
Before, the Fat Ass was a mere middle-aged cat with a slow metabolism and a large appetite. Now, he is without exercise options and in a confined space. Like a future veal chop, the Fat Ass is packing on those quality indolent pounds.
We were worried for a bit that he would lose title to his name. Fatty was losing weight having been on a diet of sorts. His new brother, Buehrle, has digestive trouble and is required to eat soft food only. We gave each cat one can per day. This had to be significantly less that Fatty was used to consuming.
He is back on the dry stuff with the availability to gorge himself at his leisure. He has grown back into his name with a commitment worthy of a priest's blessing. He is eating like he wants to win medals. His motionlessness is on par with any slug or sloth. He shows promise in exceeding previous states of obesity.
I think it is safe to say - fitting to declare that...
The Fat Ass is Back!
Math Test Outbursts
I used to do this kind of thing back in high school. It was senior year and I had already been accepted to college, so fuck it. Pre-Calculus was as interesting to me as a technical manual and I was committed to it not being a part of my life. I was bound for art school anyway. I'd persue a career and lifestyle in the arts. I might as well put this Pre-Cal time to good use and bone up on my craft. I really wish I'd kept those drawings. They were artistic expressions used as a solicited response. In some ways, like a formula or equation. There are others out there who feel this way. They recognize that x really can mean anything.
Click on the images to enlarge them.
Batman finally makes sense.
Fantastic expression of frustration.
Here's a clever obfuscation.
This one is crude for the sake of crudeness. So very post-modern.
Retard-like honesty or smart-ass?
Ouch! I figure that would equal an expulsion.
Click on the images to enlarge them.
Batman finally makes sense.
Fantastic expression of frustration.
Here's a clever obfuscation.
This one is crude for the sake of crudeness. So very post-modern.
Retard-like honesty or smart-ass?
Ouch! I figure that would equal an expulsion.
Old-ness
The noise out there is saying that thirty is the new twenty. If that is true, then I must be 105 years old. This body is tired and sad. I have a belly that would make my dad proud. I quit smoking on Christmas of 2005 and I still hack up color. I need a nap everyday. I am tired right now. I can barely finish this.
Anna Nicole Smith is Dead
Do you give a shit?
I am happy that I won't have to hear about that non-celebrity ever again.
I wish the sadistic bastards that continuously put a camera on her would have died instead of that trailer-park escapee.
I am happy that I won't have to hear about that non-celebrity ever again.
I wish the sadistic bastards that continuously put a camera on her would have died instead of that trailer-park escapee.
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